October 6, 2017 at 1:36 pm #183
This may be very long – go and put the kettle on!
My parents divorced about 30 odd years ago. My Dad moved to Wiltshire to live (as in house share) with a friend who was also divorced. It was not a relationship in the accepted sense, but two people who didn’t want to live alone (her for financial reasons, Dad for emotional ones) and liked socialising. Dad has rather got it into his head that she is his ‘partner’ and yet to her he is her lodger. She has always made this clear but Dad can be truly deaf if he doesn’t want to hear the news.
She has always spoken to him in a negative and critical manner and this has got much worse over the last couple of years. Her son has moved in with them and she no longer needs Dad’s money, but instead of suggesting to him that he just moves back to Essex she is just absolutely vile to him. He should move back to Essex, he is in his 80’s and getting frailer physically, mentally he has memory problems which worry him. And us! He is not getting the hint but has lost so much confidence it is really depressing to see.
We have been banging on at him for years to move back here but he is insistent that he wants to stay put.
It has rather come to a head as she has kicked him out for Christmas as her family are all going to hers. On top of that – also yesterday – a friend of his came to see me at work to tell me that she had been to visit him and was really concerned about him and how he was being treated, she said it was ‘Embarassing and appalling behaviour’. If that is what he is getting in public, how bad is it now in private? Is he staying as, like a kicked dog, it is now all he knows and expects?
Local to us we have two very nice and exclusive (Dad would like that) retirement villages that would just be ideal. He could afford to buy an apartment there and I think he would really like it. I have written to Dad nagging him, again, about moving. I didn’t say his friend had come to see me as she has promised to write seperately to him.
I know no one has the perfect solution, but what can I do here? I am worried sick.October 6, 2017 at 1:36 pm #184
All you can do is lay the options out before him and leave him to make up his own mind. Nagging won’t do any good and I assume that you have tried the ‘We would really love to have you nearer to us’ approach, which would probably be more effective.October 6, 2017 at 1:36 pm #185
Could you visit him? It might remind him how much he enjoys your company. You could then mention it to him again in a non nagging way and give him something to think about. What’s he doing for Christmas?October 6, 2017 at 1:37 pm #186
Could you arrange to pick him up and have him visit you for a couple of days, when you could arrange for him to go round the retirement villages? Maybe once he saw them, he would be spurred on to sort something out?
Or could you go down to there to this woman’s place with a friend and tell her that she has to tell your father that he can’t live there anymore and then all sit down with him and have her tell him when you’re there (otherwise, she sounds like the sort who would renege on anything you’d agreed)?October 6, 2017 at 1:37 pm #187
How awful! You say your dad is getting frailer and has memory problems (has he been to the Memory Clinic)? Depending upon his needs, he may be a vulnerable adult, which is a whole new ball-game, but old age alone doesn’t make a person a vulnerable adult. Is he able to meet all of his needs independently (cooking, medication, self-care)?
She appears to not be gaining anything from having your dad there, so why would she want him to stay, other than having someone to be unkind to (horrid).
You could try a different approach….. I’d be tempted to go see the woman to call her out on her appalling behaviour and ask her to give your dad notice to quit.October 6, 2017 at 1:38 pm #188
He comes to visit us quite often, and has a great time up here visiting all his friends and family. He is a real social butterfly, always has been, but also likes all the finer things he gets in Wiltshire, his friends down there are much posher and they go out to four star restaurants and so on. His original Essex friends (and family) would rather have pie and chips at the local.
Last time he was staying here we had yet another conversation about moving back up here but he does insist he is happy there.October 6, 2017 at 1:38 pm #189
What a very sad situation. My Mother was absolutely vile to my Dad and it is a horrible thing to witness.
Will he be staying with you for Christmas? This sounds like the ideal opportunity to put things in motion without nagging or making him feel pressured. I would do all you can to prevent him returning there after Christmas.. even if you have to go and collect all his possessions for him.
It never fails to amaze me how nasty people can be to each other.. this post has made me very sad.
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